A family were given venison by a friend. The wife cooked the deer steaks and served them up for dinner.
“What is this?” asked their young daughter. “Is it beef?”
“No,” answered the father.
“Is it pork?” asked their young son next.
“No,” said the father. “I’ll give you a clue. It’s what Mum sometimes calls me.”
“Spit it out, sis!” yelled the boy. “We’re eating asshole!”
A little man walked into a bar and slipped on a pile of dog poo by the door. Moments later, a burly biker came in and slipped on it as well.
The little man said: “I just did that.”
And the biker hit him.
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewellery shop. The shoplifter pleaded with the manager not to call the cops and said he would happily buy the watch. After careful deliberation, the manager agreed.
“That’s 500 dollars then.”
“Hmmm,” said the shoplifter, “that’s more than I planned to spend. Could you show me something less expensive?”
A lawyer was approached by the devil with a proposition. The devil said he’d arrange the devil to win every case, make twice as much money, work half as hard, be appointed to the Supreme Court Bench at 49 and live to be 95. In return, the lawyer had to promise the devil the souls of the parents, his wife and his three young children.
The lawyer thought for a moment and said: “So what’s the catch?”