Prompt: Brotherly Love

Henry woke up with a sudden jolt. His eyes ran wild, scanning left and right but all he saw was darkness. Where in the hell is he?

His eyes adjusted slowly to the darkness. He could make out shapes now, there were pillars, lots of them. He looked above him, more pillars and even horizontal ones. He touched the ground, it was dirt. The ground was rough and cold. He sighed, mist forming in an instant. It was winter and Henry was freezing. He didn’t have his jacket with him. A couple of hours here and Henry would freeze to death.

He stood up and looked around. Henry had a good idea where he was. He was at a construction site, that much he knew.

“Henry!” a voice yelled out in the distance. Squinting, Henry could barely see a figure running wildly towards him, emerging from the thick winter’s mist. It was his friend, his classmate Max.

“Max, you’re here too?” he asked.

“Do you know where we are, Henry?” Max asked, gripping Henry’s shirt frantically, demanding an answer.

“The hell I know,” he answered roughly. “This is a freaking construction site. That much I know.”

“How did we get here, Henry? I don’t remember a thing!”

Henry visualized his final memories before he got here. Blank. He was the same as Max. He didn’t have a clue how he landed in this place.

“I don’t remember, Max. I seriously don’t. All I remember is us and Michael going back home and then… That’s it. That’s all I remember.”

“Me too,” Max said, his voice slowly trembling. He was going to cry.

Henry slapped Max in the face. “Keep yourself together, Max. Are you a man or a woman, huh?”

“I’m sorry,” he answered, slowly returning to his senses.

“Anyways, we need to find a way out of here. Let’s go!”

Henry ran with Max  following behind him diligently. He had no idea where he was going. He just ran in one direction, hoping to stumble upon something. He finally stumbled upon a wall. The wall was high, perhaps a couple of times higher than him. He followed the wall, hoping to find an exit but when he did, it was locked. He kicked it with all his strength yet it stayed put. They were trapped there in this cold wearing nothing but their school uniforms. They were going freeze to death in a matter of hours.

“Henry? Max?” a voice said. “Is that you?”

“Michael!” Max yelled and greeted him. It was Michael, their friend and classmate. The last thing they remembered was being together when they went back from school.

“Thank god I found you, I thought I was the only one here,” Michael said, relief in his voice.

“Trust me, Mike, finding us won’t solve your problems,” Henry said, bringing him back to Earth. “We still need to get out.”

“Listen, Henry,” he said. “I think I know why we’re here. I was the last one knocked out. I saw who did it. It was a kid from…”

That’s when they heard the noise. A shrill and high-pitched noise, as if something is being torn. No, it was like metal being torn.

“Run!” Henry said instinctively.

They ran randomly, not knowing where the sound came from. Henry looked above. He knew what was making that noise. A crane from the construction site was falling.

“What the hell?” he yelled.

He jumped just in time. The crane almost hit him. He fell on the ground the same time as the crane. The noise was earth-shattering. He thanked god that they made it in time.

“Michael!!!” Max yelled.

Henry looked behind and saw Michael. No, he saw Michael’s remain. The crane hit him spot on. All that remained of Michael was pieces of his brain and blood.

Damn it, Henry thought. He was going to tell us why we were here.

Henry gathered his thoughts quickly. Obviously, someone was trying to kill them, a crane, albeit a small one wouldn’t fall on its own. Plus, Michael had said something about a kid knocking them out. Henry shook his head. This wasn’t a time to be asking questions. He and Max needed to escape and fast.

Henry checked whether of not the crane had broke the wall. It didn’t. In fact, it was the crane that was damaged by the wall. The was strong, really strong.

Henry heard another noise, a mechanical one. He turned and saw Max crying. Few seconds later, Max was yelling. A bulldozer had hit him. Henry tried to take Max’s hand but it was too late. The bulldozer hit one of the pillars and Henry could hear a splattering sound. Max was splattered to death.

Henry was about to cry. Two of his friends had died in front of his eyes. And he knew he was next.

“Sucks, doesn’t it?” a voice said in the distance. “To lose a friend?”

Henry around and saw a boy. The boy couldn’t have been more than twelve years old. He walked slowly, emerging from the mist with a gun in his hand.

“Who are you?”

“You don’t know me?” the boy asked, laughing cynically. “Do you remember this place?”

Henry knew it now. It made sense, kind of. He remembered this place. This is the construction site near City Hall. This was a construction site that he went to three weeks ago with three of his friends, Max, Michael and Vito. Three weeks ago, Vito was found dead here in this same construction site, splattered to death by a construction beam.

“I see you remember this place, Henry,” the boy said. “Let me introduce myself. My name is Alfred Greene, brother of Vito Greene, your friend that you left to die at this exact construction site.”

“No, we didn’t do it,” Henry yelled, holding his head as if it were going to burst.

“You didn’t? Then why did Vito say you guys did it when I found him?”

“That’s not possible. He was dead when we left.”

“Did he die? I instinctively remember talking to him before he died. I found him, you know? He said that you guys dared him to do something and the beam fell on him. What was it that you had him do?”

“It wasn’t our fault! We dared him, but he was the one who accepted the dare. He was the one who messed with the control. He killed himself!”

“No, it was you guys. You thought he was dead and you just left. He could have been saved! He didn’t need to die.”

“But he was splattered!”

“He was not! The beam hit his lower body. His head hit a pillar. That’s why you thought he was dead. He was only unconscious. He could have lived. But now, he can’t and you’ll pay for it.”

Alfred pulled the trigger. The bullet landed on Henry’s temple. He died in an instant.

“Brother,” Alfred said slowly to himself. “I revenged you. And now I will join you.”

A shot was heard. Alfred had shot himself dead.


This is a story that came from a prompt from Story Dam that asked to write a story about a character suddenly finding themselves somewhere and have no clue how they got there. I couldn’t think of a better story to write other than this violent one. People new to this blog can check out my other, better stories at the Stories By Slater page menu above. Thanks for reading this weird story! 

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4 responses to “Prompt: Brotherly Love”

  1. Morgan Dragonwillow (@MDragonwillow) says :

    The concept was good, revenge especially from a brother. I don’t think it is as weird as you think it is, I guess it is a little long; going over the allotted 750.

    In the second paragraph: “He touched the ground, it was dirt. The ground was rough and cold. He sighed, mist forming in an instant. It was winter and Henry was freezing. He didn’t have his jacket with him. A couple of hours here and Henry would freeze to death.”

    You show us that it is cold and then you tell us. You could try something like this:

    Touching the ground it was rough and cold; feels like dirt. He sighed, mist forming in an instant. He would freeze to death within a couple of hours; he wished he had his Jacket.

    I have read it several times because something was bothering me and I think I finally figured it out. The emotional piece to it is off, or not convincing. I understand how hard it can be to get the emotional aspect of a piece; it is one of the hardest parts for me. The only suggestion I have is to do some practice writing around emotions. Maybe try an experience of your own that had a lot of feeling around it and getting those feelings down on paper in a story format.

    This piece actually has the potential to being powerfully intense. I would love to see it if you decide to make changes.

    Peace,
    Morgan

    • Musha Slater says :

      Thanks for the helpful comments. I do have trouble making a piece emotional. Plus, I did this in a short amount of time and tried to make it as short as possible. Guess that kind of ruined the story. I’ll try harder next time. Thanks for reading.

  2. StoryDam (@StoryDam) says :

    First, I’m betting that this story wasn’t done justice by being restricted to word count. This could easily be turned into a full length novel.

    I liked the story overall, but would offer one big point:

    – In several places like these: “Henry looked behind and saw Michael. No, he saw Michael’s remain”, “Henry heard another noise, a mechanical one”, and “He jumped just in time. The crane almost hit him. He fell on the ground the same time as the crane. The noise was earth-shattering. He thanked god that they made it in time.” I suggest making them compound sentences. Not only would it tighten up the writing, but you could make it a little more sensory (you could “feel” it much easier) That is, unless this is deliberately designed for a younger reader. Decide who your audience is and make the best call according to that.

    Overall, despite being filled with kids dying, I think this is pretty good. A good edit and a few thousand more words, and I believe you would have something here!

    Thanks for linking this up.

    • Musha Slater says :

      Thanks to those kind comments regarding my piece. You certainly have made me realized the importance of compound sentences. I will try harder next time. You got a point about this being longer. I tried to make it as short as possible. Perhaps I will rewrite this story as a serial on my blog. That would give me much more room to write. Thanks for reading.

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